


Blackhole

by mintmatcha



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Mention of Panic Attacks, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:40:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26295805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mintmatcha/pseuds/mintmatcha
Summary: Akaashi is torn on whether to choose his happiness or Bokuto's.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Reader, Bokuto Koutarou/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	Blackhole

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! If I missed tagging anything, please let me know here or on tumblr @mintmatcha.
> 
> This is going to be a sad fic that deals with adult topics. Tags will change with the chapters as needed.
> 
> Leave a comment if you liked it/ are angry at me for hurting your boy :)

Prologue: Akaashi Keiji

He had suspected it before, but he knew you were the love of his life the moment you stepped into the room. 

You were, as usual, hauntingly beautiful. The flowers in the hair, woven so carefully into your veil, brought such a life to your complexion, such color into your eyes. Saying you were perfect seemed much too cheesy for his taste, but he couldn’t think of another way to say it. Akaashi had spent many nights writing, trying to emulate how the greats described their subjects, but the way you smiled, eyes crinkled and lips parted with a shaking breath, left his head blank. To him, you were just indescribably perfect. 

How many times had he pictured your wedding day? How many times as he pictured you like this, walking down the aisle, coming towards him? It was too many to count. And yet, it was so much better than he had ever thought it could be. 

Everything about you filled him with this profound feeling of weightlessness. He was always so grounded, always so focused on the present, but you made him think about the future. A house with a front yard, a baby, maybe even that proverbial white picket fence: he would give anything you wanted.

But he couldn’t think of the future right now. The only thought Akaashi could form as you looked at your soon-to-be husband, with tears rolling down your cheeks, was that he wished you would look at him instead. All you had to do was look a little bit to the right, just one person over, and Akaashi could die happily.

But you remained focused on Bokuto. When you finally arrived on the altar, his large hands wiped away your tears clumsily. Bokuto cuffed your face and smushed his lips against your forehead. It was sloppy and brash, but endearing. A perfect analogy for the whole relationship.

“Kotaro, stop!” you laughed, struggling to break out of his grasp, “You can’t kiss the bride yet.”

“I just can’t wait!” The man was basically vibrating with excitement as he kissed your forehead once more. 

Loving you made Akaashi feel weightless, but reality always anchored him back down.

As the ceremony continued, the happy couple bubbled with laughter, Akaashi couldn’t help  
but feel dazed. Empty. Nothing that was happening felt quite real. He begged silently for everything to slow down - He begged for these last moments of you being single, these last moments where he had a chance to be loved back to last just a little longer.

But then the ring was on your finger.

It was a silver reminder that you were someone else’s. Akaashi knew that you weren’t happy with it, you had mentioned multiple times that you wanted a gold ring, but you kissed your husband anyway. Bokuto wrapped his strong arms around your waist and hoisted you into the air easily, spinning around carelessly. As you pressed your lips into his and draped your arms over his broad shoulders Akaashi had to look away. That anchor just kept pulling him further down.

It was wrong to feel this way, he knew that. Bokuto was his friend - his best friend since high school. Hell, he was Bo’s best man. Logically, he should feel happy for him. His two favorite stars were together, shining for each other. Both were so bright, so caught in each other’s orbit, that you were blind to the world around you. 

So blind that neither of you noticed Akaashi slip out the back.

Silence clung to the air of the parking lot. All of the noise from within the hall, dampened by the falling snow, seemed to fall away as he walked to his car. Or maybe he was falling away from it, being dragged deeper past rock bottom by the weight of reality. As he gripped the cool metal door handle, he realized just how hard he was breathing. Panic had set into his lungs, sticking to every breath, making every exhale a struggle. He pushed the air out harder, faster, until breathing was the only thing he could think of. Every breath curled into the air rhythmically, almost in a constant stream instead of slow puffs. 

He wasn’t sure how long he stayed like this, frozen. Snowflakes gathered on his eye lashes, the radiant heat of his skin dulled from the exposure. Even if his glasses weren’t fogged over, he wouldn’t be able to see; focusing his vision required too much energy. He was caught in the rhythm of his own breathing- in, out, in, out, in, out- unable to escape the cycle. It was as if he had taken a step back from his own body and was now standing in some liminal space separate from reality.

A warmth on his chest caught his attention, just enough to blink away the film over his vision. There were sounds again, close yet distant

“Keiji?” Your voice brought him closer to the surface of his brain again. Your hand was snaked under his suit jacket, feeling his chest gently. “Oh, bunny, your heart is racing.” 

“I’m- I’m sorry, I don’t-” his voice was hoarse, almost as if he had been crying. All of his thoughts were jumbled, coming out in short bursts. He tried to look for an answer for his behavior, preferably one that didn’t involve being in love, but his mind was still hazed over. You just shushed him, rubbing that warm hand across his chest.

“Breathe. In for eight, out for eight.” you vocalized each number as you breathed, trying to get him match your rhythm. 

“I- c-can’t-”

“Yes, you can.” you insisted, “Count.” 

The sound of your voice, slowly counting as you breathed, was enough. He was suddenly in his skin again, winter biting at his cheeks and stiffening his joints. He counted with you, stuttering through every jilted breath.

You were so patient as he tried to figure out his body again. Everything came back to him slowly as the weight in his chest dissolved. The distant music, the way his now wet cotton suit clung to his skin, the concern in your knitted brow: all of these things anchored him back to the real world just enough to function. His heart was still pounding against his ribs, but he felt human again.

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be.” you withdrew your hand, instead wiping off a tear from his cheek. 

“I just-”

“You don’t have to justify anything.” you said, “You’re allowed to feel whatever you feel.”

You were about to speak again when a shiver ripped through your body. In your haste, you had forgotten a jacket, leaving your skin raw against the wind. 

“Why are you out here?” Akaashi brushed the collecting snow off of one of the flowers softly, his knuckling brushing against your cheek. Your skin was wet, the melting snow smudging your makeup. You were no longer that picture-perfect specimen. You were a human, just like him, and it still made his heart flutter.

“To find you.” you said it so simply, like if it wasn’t a big deal to leave your own wedding reception. “You disappeared on us.”

“But /why/?” The two of you stood for a moment. “Why are you out here looking for me?”

“Because Taro loves you.” the light of the street lamp overhead caught in your eyes as you said it, “And that means I love you too.”

Maybe this was for the best, this love by proxy. You could still be his star- just not his sun. Maybe he couldn’t feel your warmth or bask in your presence, but he could admire your light from a distance.

“I love you too, Y/N.” the words felt right on his lips.

At least, this way, he kept you in his life.


End file.
